| SYMPTOM | FAULT | REMEDIAL ACTION |
|---|---|---|
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet. | Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. | Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Drink as many as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. | Glass empty. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing toward the ceiling. |
| Feet WARM and wet. | Incorrect bladder control. | Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to the owner about the lack of house training. DEMAND a drink as compensation. |
| Bar blurred. | You are looking through the bottom of your glass. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Bar swaying. | Air turbulence is extremely high – may be due to a darts match in progress. | Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
| Bar moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you’re being taken to another pub – if not complain loudly that you’re being ambushed by the Salvation Army. |
| You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a flourescent light across it. | You have fallen over. | If your glass is full and no-one is standing on your arm, stay put. If not get someone to help you to the bar. |
| Everything has gone dim, you have a mouthful of dog-ends and broken teeth. | You have fallen over forwards. | See above. |
| Everything has gone dark. | The pub is closing. | P A N I C ! ! ! |
| You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet – you cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. | You have spent the night in the gutter. | Check your watch to see if it is opening time, if not treat yourself to a ‘lie-in’. |
In the Alpha and Delta Quadrants