SYMPTOM |
FAULT |
REMEDIAL ACTION |
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet. |
Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. |
Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Drink as many as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. |
Glass empty. |
Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
Feet cold and wet. |
Glass being held at incorrect angle. |
Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing toward the ceiling. |
Feet WARM and wet. |
Incorrect bladder control. |
Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to the owner about the lack of house training. DEMAND a drink as compensation. |
Bar blurred. |
You are looking through the bottom of your glass. |
Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
Bar swaying. |
Air turbulence is extremely high – may be due to a darts match in progress. |
Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
Bar moving. |
You are being carried out. |
Find out if you’re being taken to another pub – if not complain loudly that you’re being ambushed by the Salvation Army. |
You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a flourescent light across it. |
You have fallen over. |
If your glass is full and no-one is standing on your arm, stay put. If not get someone to help you to the bar. |
Everything has gone dim, you have a mouthful of dog-ends and broken teeth. |
You have fallen over forwards. |
See above. |
Everything has gone dark. |
The pub is closing. |
P A N I C ! ! ! |
You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet – you cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. |
You have spent the night in the gutter. |
Check your watch to see if it is opening time, if not treat yourself to a ‘lie-in’. |